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CLOSURE - An e-mail never to be sent - Movie version: Down and Out Over the One Down Under

To fully understand this post, you might need to refer back to this previous post.

Let the head-clearing, therapeutic rant begin...

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Mike,

Ah, if only I could have held out to find out who you were, and in the meantime responded properly to who you were... that's ridiculous for even you. I will address each point without hesitation.

 

Yes, misunderstandings... based on LACK OF COMMUNICATION and social norms, and I don't care whether you are from Australia or Canada, certain things hold true. Simple things like introducing your brother to my sister when he comes through the door, or saying goodbye to my son after staying in our home for a couple months seemed obvious to me, but foreign to you. Yeah, must be continental drift or the lack of land boundaries that make a person inherently rude.

 

You referred back to your original dating profile and the apparent 'warning' I should have taken from it about how you operate. I was under the impression that people posted a profile then got to know each other, not the other way around. I didn't know I should refer back to the profile to figure out what was going on in each instance. And the problem with that is that you are defined entirely by this illness, and nothing else is relevant - not the data feed, not the intent of the person next to you.... nothing. Great, OK so you ARE your illness. But where does anyone else fall into that? Oddly, you seem to be the only one with issues, and all else must take a back burner. Funny, I always thought I was the one with the disability. I was so wrong.  With all the things you have going for you, you really are the disabled one. I have no idea who the real you is, and no, I must not be good for your healing or you wouldn't have shut me out so long ago, even while pretending to let me in for the sake of experiment.

 

No, I am now painfully well aware that you were not in free-fall. Not a surprise from someone who can't even relax long enough to drop his guard.   It's funny... I guess I based too much on what I was allowing myself to expose, but I guess I must have chosen the wrong days, because it changed depending on your state of mind at the moment. Just like when you were here, and talking about really considering the possibility of living with someone. I guess it was asinine of me to think you meant me. And the next day, when you were in another mind state, I guess that was ok too. Roll with the punches; go with the flow. Whatever, whatever.

 

And I don't think for one minute that you travelled half way across the earth to hurt me or shut me out. I think you travelled here to satisfy only your own agenda, the Mike show. I wouldn't flatter myself to think you would come all the way here just to hurt me... that would be absurd.

 

The other point I would like to mention - I have my own health shit going on. In typical fashion, we manage to make everything about how you feel and how it works for you. Yes, you used to be helpful to me. Yes, you used to be calming to me. It just seems odd that every moment of every day while you stayed here focused on your health, your wellbeing, your state of mind, what you want, what you need, how I am not being accommodating, how my energy is off. Where did I exist in that equation, except to make sure that things were on track for you? Where was what I wanted or needed?

 

Long gone are the days when we comforted one another and helped forge a connection for the other to the larger world. For the longest time I thought we were on the same page; turns out we weren’t even reading the same book. Ah, maybe I was writing it and you were casually thumbing trough it. And the connectedness I thought we shared, well that must be one of the many misunderstandings based on my misguided assumptions. I remember you telling me that pushing me away would be one of, if not the biggest mistake of your life. Silly me to put so much significance on such a statement. I thought it meant you liked me; I thought it meant you felt something special was happening. Once again, I guess I picked the wrong day to believe what you said. I didn’t see the big picture. I didn’t see the roadblocks. For sure I didn’t see the cliff or the rocks and waves below. All I saw was the mirage, and that vanished with the first sip of reality.

 

I should feel better by now. I should have rid myself of this feeling of heaviness, but it persists. I remember saving a quote I found online in the early days, knowing with absolute certainty that one day I would show it to you, and it would describe us perfectly.

Making Life Come to Life: Richard Bachs wrote that "A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. "

 

Thomas Moore, in his book Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship, page xvii, describes a soul mate as "someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."

 

I never got to show it to you. I suppose I should hang onto it for the next spin of the Roulette wheel.

I guess what hurts the most about this is that I know it was real, I know it was very special, I know that at one point it meant a lot to both of us, and I know most tragically of all that we let it go. Guess I get to chalk another one up to experience.

Kiva

If I told you that my dream in life was to help people, you probably couldn't help from vomiting in your mouth. I know I do when I hear someone say that. But there is some truth to it. Really, I guess what I want is to be able to be of some use to people and to make some small difference in the world. I try to do this anyway, but I mean on a larger scale, somewhere far, far away where people don't take flat screen TV’s and Smart Cars for granted. I want to get my hands dirty, and feel like I am accomplishing something other than making some CEO rich by meeting production standards somewhere while smiling sweetly and adding to the office gossip. So, where do I start?

The Aussie I mentioned in a previous post has long since gone home. That romance withered before it even bloomed, but he does still hold some function.... he sends me job listings that he thinks might be down my alley. Yesterday he sent me a particularly interesting one, a volunteer position with an organization called Kiva, a micro-lending website that connects lenders with entrepreneurs in the developing world. It would mean learning about micro-finance, working with the lender and the borrower and blogging about it. It requires a 4+ month stay in a developing country. I will keep you posted on my preparation for application!