I feel alone...like the hope I had of sharing my thoughts and dreams and feelings with someone has died.
I don't even know what to do with myself, like a big hole has been blown in my heart and my life.
It feels like everything that happened was an illusion, and that this emptiness is the only reality.
Was it just me? Was I alone in this? And what do I do next? This too shall pass seems like a shitty consolation prize.
Alas, looking on the bright side, at least I have a newly opened up spot in my social calendar.
Amputation blues; this time it’s a vital organ.
Here I am, feeling like my heart has been ripped out like the entrails of a hapless rabbit. Yep, I connected with someone online. The attraction wasn’t immediate, but when it hit, it was very exciting. I even secretly entertained the idea that I might have found my soul-mate. The connection was powerful and left both of us a little stunned.
Fast forward 9 months. He comes to meet me, from half way around the world. After getting over the initial nervousness, it seems like we have always known each other. Then the bomb drops, though to this day, I am still not sure what that bomb was. He leaves, and I have not heard from him since.
I know this part is a little vague, but I feel the same – I don’t understand it. I don’t think his feelings for me were as strong as mine were for him, but I think he certainly cared for me. I mean if nothing else, who travels half way around the world to meet someone if they don’t have some feelings for them? And our connection was real…or was it? It feels like everything that happened was an illusion, and that this emptiness is the only reality.
The really sad part for me is that once again I end up feeling newly disabled. When the man that I had my car accident with and I broke up, I had a huge sense of loss - like I had just lost my leg. I realized after that our separation forced me to face my disability in a way I never had with someone by my side who didn’t see me as disabled. I find myself in that position again. When someone seems to accept my disability without question, I swear it makes me feel it less acutely. When that person is gone, it’s feels like learning to be disabled all over again, and being reminded that the rest of the world does not see me as normal.
Shockingly, of all the things that could have happened, this outcome was not even on my radar. I had no doubt that at the very least I had a lifelong friend. Seems like I was wrong about that too. Seems like I was wrong about a lot of things.
The thing is, I spent so much time talking with him. It was like with him, I didn’t have a disability. Now, I don't even know what to do with myself, like a big hole has been blown in my heart and my life. Was it just me? Was I alone in this? Was it all in my head? And what do I do next? ‘This too shall pass’ seems like a shitty consolation prize.
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