a letter i sent today to an old friend. wish i could make it happen for real.

why don't you just move out here and shack up with me and we can talk politics and philosophy and read out loud to one another and we can get drunk one day a month and find a crazy way to make it fun and raise our kids like hippie intellectual feminist environmentally conscious bohemians and live off the land and blast and make music? whadya think?

Wow, I really am a Leo.

I found this online after a conversation with a fellow feline.

The Lion is considered the king of the jungle, and likewise you Leos have an air of royalty about you. Some Leos even have hair resembling the thick mane of the Lion. But Lions are more than roar, for they are truly magnificent beasts. The Lioness proudly cares for the young, hunts and takes care of survival with relentless intent and ferocity, when needed. And proud are you Leo! Perhaps that's why Leo often chooses work that puts you in the center of stage or in the spotlight of appreciation.

Leos are warm of spirit, eager for action and are driven by a desire to be loved for what you bring to others. Leos are magnanimous leaders and faithful servants. Once scorned in love, however, Leo will withdraw your affections and the light, once brilliant, can go cold.

The Leo motto might be "What you see is what you get." You tend to live your live straightforwardly and with a flair for drama. In fact, many Leos are attracted to the theater, the performing arts and public relations, for you truly understand the importance of putting on a good presentation. As you blaze gloriously through your life, remember to take time to acknowledge the feelings of those around you. If you forget, you could unconsciously hurt someone you love. But, if you remain aware your impact, others can benefit from your presence.

http://horoscopes.aol.com/astrology/zodiac-central/leo


Yep, with a few non-noteworthy exceptions, that pretty much describes me. Faithful, enthusiastic and passionate but cold as ice once burned. I didn’t choose to be this way, but over time I have come to accept it. It has served me, if not well, then at least adequately in my life. And at least it is the one consistent thing about me.
Anyway, I blab and blab... My point is as follows:

As thick as my mane might be, I am a scardy-cat in one notably significant area of my life. I am DEATHLY AFRAID of
S N A K E S! See, even to type the word I have to space it out and move a-w-a-y from the keyboard. I also have to move the ponytail on the back of my head away from my neck to speak of these creatures so that I don’t freak myself out. Let’s let good ol’ Wiki describe them for you and tell me this isn’t creepy…

Snakes are elongate legless carnivorous reptiles of the suborder Serpentes that can be distinguished from legless lizards by their lack of eyelids and external ears. Like all squamates, snakes are ectothermic amniote vertebrates covered in overlapping scales.

Come on, their description alone is less than flattering and most certainly not healthy for my dreamscape.
Anyway, on to my point.

I am planning a trip to Costa Rica next month and the snake issue has plagued me. I mean PLAGUED me to the point of nightmares. This is really silly, I know. I have braved skin grafts and amputations, yet the thought of some teensy, weensy poisonous viper haunts me. I have told myself, “Get over it.” I have watched videos of snakes. I have read about them to reassure myself that they are really more afraid of me than I am of them (thanks to the Aussie who told me about the Brown Snake, you so DON’T rock, dude). Fear and loathing of these often harmless creatures is not healthy, and all this as the KING of the JUNGLE (a truer Leo there never was). I should damn well know better than to be intimidated by some silly reptile! Finally, I had to take matters into my own hands.

Pictures to follow, but on Saturday night I cuddled with an 8 foot Boa Constrictor. When I say cuddled, I mean it. I put the muscle-bound menace named Berlin around my vulnerable neck, cradled her butt (is there such a thing as a snake butt?) and let her wind her articulated neck (?) and head around my arms. I sat dead still while trying to relax my body. My line of thinking was, if dogs can tell when you are scared, why not snakes? As my body relaxed, so did hers. I let her wind herself around me, and back up and over again. As she started to feel my warmth, she obviously breathed a hiss of relief. Her tongue licking the air, she wound herself around me and just chilled out. If you have the fears I have, I know you will find this hard to believe. As the snake relaxed, so did I. The tension she was exerting around my neck dissipated. If she were a human, I would say she just reclined and got comfy. An hour later, I lifted her heavy, drowsy body from mine and mentally placed a check mark next to snakes on my ‘biggest fear’ list. Costa Rica, here I come!

One might ask, “How does all this related to being a Leo?” Well, for starters I have difficulty being conquered by anything. This is a decidedly leonine trait. While many others might share this trait, it often defines Leos. It might be considered a weakness or strength, but it is what it is. In addition, the reason this snake was available to me is that it lives with my good friend and fellow Leo who adopted it, with the sole purpose of overcoming her fear of snakes. She says this is a Leo thing, and I will take her word for it. I wouldn’t want her to sic her snake on me if I disagreed!

And when all else fails I will re-watch this video and remind myself that we are born open and trusting and that we learn our fears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oh0v_DHFrw

An Open Letter to the Cat that followed me into my house today-

Dear Kitty,

You are really quite cute. In fact, if I was to be searching for a feline companion, you would do just fine, and then some. The endearing way you circled me, and insisted on visiting warmed my heart. Your smooth black coat and shiny eyes and that adorable meow are all quite fetching, and yet you must go. First, you refused the Spam I gave you. It might not be your brand, but honestly it is the closest thing I have to cat food. And the claw marks across my bed as a result of trying to extract you from my fluffy pillow - well that was the last straw, at least for the time being. Shooo, shoooo! Your family is missing you! I will put up posters and ask around but I cannot, with good conscience, accept you as a roommate. If I find you on my doorstep in subsequent days, we can discuss this. Otherwise, we've reached the end of our time together. May your padded feet walk softly on the road ahead.

"Goodnight, goodnight! Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow." Billy Shakes aka William Shakespeare

Affirmation

This picture was taken out the window of my childhood home. Really, where do you go from there????



I found this affirmation online and I had to share it with you. It is a beautiful summation of how I feel.

Who I Am

I am not my hair, my eyes, my nose or my mouth. I am not my skin or the shape of any of my body parts. I am not the IQ of my brain. I am not the sound of my voice or the volume of my laughter. I am not my strengths or any of my weaknesses. I am not the level of my skills. The temple of my physical makeup is a culmination of genetics. It reveals nothing about the person who resides within. I take no credit or point no blame for the way I look. My temple is perfect, as is. This body is not who I am. It is an exquisitely perfect dwelling for my soul. Everything about it is exactly as it should be. No other, anywhere, ever, could serve my soul as well. I am not anything you can see with your eyes or touch with your hands. Should you judge me by that criteria, you will never know me. I am not a dumping ground for bias that's based on a man-made standard, and I do not accept the prejudice it creates. I am a union of body, mind and spirit, a trio, not a solo. To know me, is to know yourself. Those who hear the voice of their soul, recognize the song in mine. They do not stop at the front door and judge me by the dwelling in which I reside. With a humble sense of honor, they knock upon the door and ask to come in. The judgment of others does not change who I am. Quite the opposite is true. It reveals who they are. Those who deem me unworthy at a glance and pass me on by, have my blessing to keep walking, for they have a long way to go. They have not reached the point in their journey where they are able to see and appreciate me for who I am. I will accept no less.

© 2001 Terri McPherson Windsor, Ontario, Canada

Friendship

Friendship has the oddest ability to transform us. Anyone who has been reading my sparse posts knows that I have been suffering from a broken heart as of late, and that it is slowly mending its pieces back into one. Over the last few weeks, a few people have come into my life that have transformed my tired and mournful existence and put me 'back on track' in some odd way.

The Characters:

Scarlett is the quintessential ex-stripper single mom with a passion for life and boundless energy. She is spirited, vivacious and crass. I love this girl and her tag-along toddler. Between these two alone, life is a wild adventure.

Bruno is a recently separated production company caterer with a heart of gold, a personality to match and enough sadness to drown us all if we let it.

Bubba has better one liners than any top shelf stand up comedian, but he is stuck keeping us entertained at the moment. He has been my friend for years, and is the one who introduced me to Bruno.

In the last few weeks we have all become inseparable. It seems when a bunch of mismatched social butterflies finds their niche, they can't seem to shake it easily. We have spent every waking moment together. WE LOVE EACH OTHER! We are all odd in one way or another. Scarlett has a psychotic ex-boyfriend who won't leave her alone. Bruno has a real life stalker and a hostile ex-wife. Bubba is just lovable all around, but his girlfriend resents the time he spends with us. And me, well I am the eternal mother, keeping my wings wide over my flock and loving each and every idiosyncratic one of them, and the space they fill in my life. Beautiful people are a wonderful thing to find.

a new Karaoke performance

Rate this performance at The Sims On Stage

CLOSURE - An e-mail never to be sent - Movie version: Down and Out Over the One Down Under

To fully understand this post, you might need to refer back to this previous post.

Let the head-clearing, therapeutic rant begin...

-----------------------------------

Mike,

Ah, if only I could have held out to find out who you were, and in the meantime responded properly to who you were... that's ridiculous for even you. I will address each point without hesitation.

 

Yes, misunderstandings... based on LACK OF COMMUNICATION and social norms, and I don't care whether you are from Australia or Canada, certain things hold true. Simple things like introducing your brother to my sister when he comes through the door, or saying goodbye to my son after staying in our home for a couple months seemed obvious to me, but foreign to you. Yeah, must be continental drift or the lack of land boundaries that make a person inherently rude.

 

You referred back to your original dating profile and the apparent 'warning' I should have taken from it about how you operate. I was under the impression that people posted a profile then got to know each other, not the other way around. I didn't know I should refer back to the profile to figure out what was going on in each instance. And the problem with that is that you are defined entirely by this illness, and nothing else is relevant - not the data feed, not the intent of the person next to you.... nothing. Great, OK so you ARE your illness. But where does anyone else fall into that? Oddly, you seem to be the only one with issues, and all else must take a back burner. Funny, I always thought I was the one with the disability. I was so wrong.  With all the things you have going for you, you really are the disabled one. I have no idea who the real you is, and no, I must not be good for your healing or you wouldn't have shut me out so long ago, even while pretending to let me in for the sake of experiment.

 

No, I am now painfully well aware that you were not in free-fall. Not a surprise from someone who can't even relax long enough to drop his guard.   It's funny... I guess I based too much on what I was allowing myself to expose, but I guess I must have chosen the wrong days, because it changed depending on your state of mind at the moment. Just like when you were here, and talking about really considering the possibility of living with someone. I guess it was asinine of me to think you meant me. And the next day, when you were in another mind state, I guess that was ok too. Roll with the punches; go with the flow. Whatever, whatever.

 

And I don't think for one minute that you travelled half way across the earth to hurt me or shut me out. I think you travelled here to satisfy only your own agenda, the Mike show. I wouldn't flatter myself to think you would come all the way here just to hurt me... that would be absurd.

 

The other point I would like to mention - I have my own health shit going on. In typical fashion, we manage to make everything about how you feel and how it works for you. Yes, you used to be helpful to me. Yes, you used to be calming to me. It just seems odd that every moment of every day while you stayed here focused on your health, your wellbeing, your state of mind, what you want, what you need, how I am not being accommodating, how my energy is off. Where did I exist in that equation, except to make sure that things were on track for you? Where was what I wanted or needed?

 

Long gone are the days when we comforted one another and helped forge a connection for the other to the larger world. For the longest time I thought we were on the same page; turns out we weren’t even reading the same book. Ah, maybe I was writing it and you were casually thumbing trough it. And the connectedness I thought we shared, well that must be one of the many misunderstandings based on my misguided assumptions. I remember you telling me that pushing me away would be one of, if not the biggest mistake of your life. Silly me to put so much significance on such a statement. I thought it meant you liked me; I thought it meant you felt something special was happening. Once again, I guess I picked the wrong day to believe what you said. I didn’t see the big picture. I didn’t see the roadblocks. For sure I didn’t see the cliff or the rocks and waves below. All I saw was the mirage, and that vanished with the first sip of reality.

 

I should feel better by now. I should have rid myself of this feeling of heaviness, but it persists. I remember saving a quote I found online in the early days, knowing with absolute certainty that one day I would show it to you, and it would describe us perfectly.

Making Life Come to Life: Richard Bachs wrote that "A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. "

 

Thomas Moore, in his book Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship, page xvii, describes a soul mate as "someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."

 

I never got to show it to you. I suppose I should hang onto it for the next spin of the Roulette wheel.

I guess what hurts the most about this is that I know it was real, I know it was very special, I know that at one point it meant a lot to both of us, and I know most tragically of all that we let it go. Guess I get to chalk another one up to experience.